I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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