apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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