Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize