If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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