There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
