go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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