the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
