remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
