Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
