smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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