Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
