Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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