Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize