FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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