Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
