people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
