its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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