Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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