This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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