We're facebook friends in real life
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
