apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize