Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You've changed since you got that strap on
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
