So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
