If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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