Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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