wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just made my gag reflex go away.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
