Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
