I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
