the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
