every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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