I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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