They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
