Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize