i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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