i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
