Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
