We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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