Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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