How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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