Your dad touched me again.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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