I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
