Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
