"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
