it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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