Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
