The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
