She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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