I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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