Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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