there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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