I smell stomach acid.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
