Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
