I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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