TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
