Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
