i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You ate ashes out of my bong
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
