I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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