why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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