Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize