3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
