I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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