Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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