Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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