You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
