Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
