Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
