Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
